notes on self worth
by Jacinta Durney
Feelings as though the ocean has washed under me
over me
through me
As though I have wrung myself out
over and over
and am still not free
An unlearning
What is worth?
Value? A concept of merit?
One that denotes deserving or not deserving
Prove yourself or remain and worthy, and go live in
self-loathing
Worthy of what?
Of life? Of love? Of recognition?
Why should I have to prove to you that I am lovable if I am love?
How can the worthiness of life be proven by a being whom is life itself?
An oxymoron
Of which we’ve all fallen
To live in a shadow of ‘never good enough’ it to accept a destructive demon as a pet
To strive for recognition is to live for the ego
but a pet demon told you it’s hungry so,
you best feed it
Oh, you’re hungry are you?
Well feast on the glory of my existence sweet ego
You can’t belittle me if I let you go now
Wash into the ocean
I am the ocean
My worth is immeasurable
Unfathomable
Yet. Undeniable
Soaking
into existence alleviates the need for recognition
There’s a new type of ammunition
especially for you demon pet
hugging my self-worth like it’s something to earn
I’ll learn
‘worth’ should be nothing more than an intellectual concept
not something that we place upon a human
to then internalise, let it pasteurise
let it soak into our blood stream
So we then take external substances to soak into our blood stream
In the hope that they will occupy the space that would otherwise be occupied by
suffering
And we now know
that at least a little bit of that suffering was already in our blood before we were born
and we’ve got our shit deal with now
sure
but don’t beat yourself up if it’s taking a while, because there’s all
that shit too
and it’s taken us a long time to feel as though we don’t have to step in the same line
and I just want to tell you
You’re probably doing fine
And to remind you
that growing takes time
But it also takes consistency
One realisation doesn’t spark a new currency
You’ve got to water that realisation if you want to move with it
And watering things means pulling out weeds
otherwise the overgrowth gets
hard to bear
and everything gets a little dark under there
But once we pull out the weeds
And shed light on everything that we’ve been nourishing
We’re not the only ones that get to feel that flourishing
Everyone around us gets a little bit too
and every potential being inside of us gets to soak it all in
Imagine a world, for that generation
Self-work. Genuine self-work
not the kind under colonial paradigm
designed for capital gain
Real. Self-work.
Is collective liberation
So, the next time you step back from a relationship that’s made you question your worth
And you’re feeling overwhelmed and wanna run back to them, and put them first
Remember
This isn’t just about you
This is about humanity
Our liberation
Is shared.
